Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
