I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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