This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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