I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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