that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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