I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
