Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
