I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Randomize
