Sry I called you an 8
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
