i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
