I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
