is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
