Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
