i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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