How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
