Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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