I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
