I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
