Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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