So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
