My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think we might need a safe word for this...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize