I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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