So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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