was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
