got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
