Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
