Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
