so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My liver just had a heart attack.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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