Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
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I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
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how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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