Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
