New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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