I'll bet she douches with gravy.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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