Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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