mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
