at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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