How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
