I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
