Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
