I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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