If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
