I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
accomplished twins. life is a go
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Randomize
