I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
