Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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