I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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