Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
