I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
