Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
