the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
