Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize