phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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