I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
