I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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