No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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