I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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