alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I smell like Dick and happiness
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
