It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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