Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
