she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
