I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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