Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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