Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
